Reform the Missouri Family Court System in Divorces with Children

End parental alienation, false allegations of abuse and other ways of manipulating the Family Court system by creating a law known as "The Fair Parent Initiative" which would require judgments to be made based on evidence at trial. Divorces need to be about the child(ren).

I sent the following letter (email) on 7-23-2011 to the Missouri Governor, Lt. Governor, Attorney General, my local Representative and Senator. I then followed up with phone calls to each individuals office. I've never received a response, from anyone;

7/23/2011

Senator Dempsey:

I have been directly involved in the Missouri Family Court

system for almost four years now regarding custody of my five year old

daughter.  In April of this year, I was

forced to take my ex-wife back to court for a manageable custody

arrangement.  Yes, I did say forced.  My divorce was finalized in August of 2008

but that’s not where my problem started. I need to add context to my problem so

you understand the dilemma I and other people have been neglected by the Family

Court System in this state.

My ex-wife left me in October of 2007 and when I say left, I

mean she literally and almost completely emptied out the house while I was at

work.  I came home to our Labrador

retriever named Riley along with an empty baby room. My ex-wife stopped

communicating, played the victim and no matter how hard I tried, she continued

to alienate me from our daughter. Her family kept my daughter from me for

months on end even though I would go over to their home on a daily basis, tape

recorder rolling. Once I would knock and/or ring the doorbell, I could hear my

daughter on the other side of the door being moved to a room in the back of the

house and hear the door shut. This went on for months. On two occasions when

the front door opened, I was told directly by my daughter’s Grandparent’s that

I could not see my daughter. There was absolutely no legal reason for their

action and in fact, violated my rights as my daughter’s Father. Of course, if I

was to demand my daughter, the police would’ve been called and I would’ve been

labeled an “unruly Father” and an order of protection would’ve been blindly

granted.

At the time, I had just begun my career with the United

States Postal Service as a clerk. This position didn’t have set

hours and I was only guaranteed 4 hours a day when I was utilized and usually

averaged around 25 hours per week. I was lucky to get 15 hours for many weeks

during the summer as mail volume tends to decline during this time of the year.

This is significant because as a newly assigned career employee, I could not

transfer for 18 months to the City Carrier position I wanted. It was at this

time (within one month of starting this position) that my ex-wife left and this

ongoing saga ensued.

The court date for the divorce came and we “agreed” to a

settlement where I bent over backwards to ensure the best possible environment

for our daughter. This required me to take on all of our marital debt, sell our

condo that was only in my name and temporarily agree to my ex getting more time

with our daughter WITH her word she would work with me as my schedule allowed.

Verbiage was even added to our parenting plan stating that “due to his work

schedule... Father’s custody time is as follows...”.  It’s all I could do other than quit my job I

had only begun and I put a lot of faith in my ex-wife holding true to her word.

Luckily and in an ironic twist of fate, she lied to everyone saying I

physically and verbally abused her. This accusation brought on the request from

her attorney that we only communicate through email. I assume so it would be on

record at how she told people how I spoke to her. In reality, everything she

was accusing me of, she was doing or had already done to me.

The divorce was finalized and then my ex-wife held me to every

single sentence in our parenting plan and would not budge or even offer our

daughter to me. She wouldn’t let me speak to our daughter on the phone and even

said in an email that I need to purchase a “pay-as-you-go” cell phone if I

wanted to speak to our, at the time, 3 year old daughter. Time went on and I

aggressively documented everything for years on calendars, journals, tape

recorded conversations, emails, photographs, and more. I knew I would have to

utilize every tool at my disposal if I had a chance at securing my relationship

with our daughter. I also knew this would mean I’d have to take my ex back to

court to get any resolution to this manipulated agreement.

Time went on and I transferred to a closer post office to my residence as a City Carrier in August of 2009. In August 2010, I received

my own route and “regular” status. Thus, completing what I set out to do more

than three years prior.

I had my ex-wife served with contempt and modification

papers after numerous attempts to work out some sort of amicable custody

arrangement. I tried every way possible to keep from having to take her back to

court but she would not cooperate. In a later mediation session, I asked how

she would feel if our custody situation was reversed and she was only allowed

to see our daughter for 4 days a month for nine months and she simply stated to

me and directly in front of the mediator, “That won’t happen in St. Charles

County”. No remorse, no compassion, no consideration, no “moment of clarity”,

and definitely no fear for the legal system or current court orders. This woman

literally wanted absolute control over our daughter and was perfectly fine if I

barely spent any quality time with her. Granted, she always received her child

support payments which are calculated by income and the amount of “overnights”

the child spends with each parent. She would have been allowed and supported by

the state to pick up the phone and have me put in jail if I didn’t pay my child

support.  Just pick up the phone. No

lawyers, no court dates, no money. Just a phone call because I would’ve

violated a court order.

My ex-wife stated in her testimony in her deposition and at

trial, her lawyer at that time told her and her family to keep our daughter

from me until the original divorce was complete. Ironically, even though she

admitted to this, with whom does the onus lie? Personally, I couldn’t keep my

daughter from her mother no matter who tried to tell me what’s best for my

personal arrangement. I am her Father and I will decide what’s best for my daughter.

Unfortunately, when you have a lawyer, you can blame your lawyer. You can take

credit for the good and blame the lawyer for anything that could make you look

bad.

We went to trial in April 12th and 13th

of this year and only had time to present approximately one-third of the

evidence I had for the twenty-something points I made in my

contempt/modification motion. In the end, my lawyer and I actually felt like we

were “beating a dead horse” with the overwhelming amount of direct, undisputed

evidence and testimony we put on the record. The vast majority of my ex-wife’s

testimony confirmed my allegations and we didn’t feel it was necessary to keep

pounding the subject when it was very clear I was making my case. My ex-wife

did not produce any evidence that supported any of her claims and literally

acknowledged almost everything she was accused. Looking back, I have evidence

to refute most of the things she/they tried to make look uncertain but again,

we didn’t have the time to produce this information since she had done so much.

Again, we didn’t find it necessary at this time either since she had confirmed

the majority of my allegations.

We originally had “joint legal and physical” custody at the

time of the initial divorce settlement. 

At trial, I was requesting “sole legal” custody and “joint physical”

custody. The “sole legal” custody aspect would keep my ex from continuously

encroaching on my time with our daughter and even though we were supposed to

agree on decisions before, she would do as she pleased while consulting with

her family. She lives in the Wentzville/O’fallon area and I live in the St.

Peters area. Naturally, I requested activities, daycare, dentist, doctor, etc.

to be in the O’fallon area as much as possible. She works right next door to me and the O’fallon/St. Peters locations

would be more manageable for both of us to/from work and home.  She keeps the majority of our daughter’s

institutions in the Wentzville area and then requires me to get and drop off

our daughter before and after work on my days.

So, the judgment from our trial comes in. I asked myself,

surely the Judge wouldn’t “rubber stamp” my ex’s behavior by giving her sole

legal custody and allow this to keep happening. Sure enough, it did. Not only

did the Judge award “sole legal” custody to my ex-wife but the majority of the

new Parenting Plan made things even more difficult for me. The judgment itself

was mostly against the weight of the evidence presented at trial and as of only

one week ago, I’ve filed an appeal. My family and I have spent over $70,000 to

date trying to fix this problem and as of now, it appears as the court condones

continuous violations of their own orders.

There is much more to the situation but I want to get to my

main concern as I have identified where things in the Family Court System have

aided people, such as my ex-wife, to manipulate and disrupt relationships with

their child and the other parent. This brings me to the reasons I am writing

you.

I’d first like to look at the overall way the court system

“prepares” for two people filing for divorce. First, the court is silent,

depending on the lawyers to get their clients to settle. On the surface, this

would be a great approach if both parents were committed to doing what’s best

for their child(ren). This would require compromise and sacrifice by both

parties so the child wouldn’t be placed directly in the middle of things. I’ve

told my story to many friends who have relayed it to their friends and so on. I

get the same questions back time and time again. “Why would she keep your child

from you when there are single mothers out there that don’t get any money from

the Father and they don’t try at all to be in the child’s life?” My answer has

always been the same; A person that makes half as much income as the person

required to make child support payments could choose to manipulate the system

and use the child to get more money. The calculations and the

silence/uncertainty of the Court’s stance regarding issues pertaining to

children in a divorced family, indirectly support the immoral decision to make

the sacred relationships of the child’s parents a secondary consideration. My

ex-wife filed for divorce twice. First, approximately six months before I started

my career position when I wasn’t making a lot of money and didn’t have a solid

past of steady income. She dropped that one as “we” were reconciling and then

once I started my new career with double the income and benefits, she filed

again. Even asking for half my retirement when I had literally just started my

career.

Along with many people that share my feelings, it is my

request that a law/initiative be created in the State of Missouri to proactively

inform the lawyers and parties that it’s this State’s belief that all

conferences, pre-trial settlements, modifications, judgments, etc. will seek as

close to an equal physical custody resolution as possible. This would be before

all else and immediately after divorce papers are filed by either;  1. An initial meeting with the Judge the

parties are assigned or 2. By an isolated memo that must be signed by the

parties and their lawyers, to be returned to the court and put on file with the

case. This would require every Family Court to take the stance of “Why can’t

he/she have equal custody?”  False

accusations, parental alienation and keeping the child(ren) away from one

parent would be rendered obsolete and a waste of time since the court would be

pushing for an amicable solution. Of course, there are already statutes on the

books regarding parents that cannot have custody or only supervised custody and

until those accusations are confirmed, it’s in the children’s best interest

that each parent receive similar custody time, when requested. It’s also imperative

that all decisions relating to the child(ren)(transportation, school location,

daycare, medical, etc.) also support this concept whenever possible. It should

be explained to all parties that if one parent relinquishes his/her custody

time at this initial stage, it will cost a great deal of time, money,

frustration, aggravation to get it back at a later date, if possible. The

decision solely rests on each adult parent as to their respective custody time

they make available to their child(ren). It would also set precedence for

situations like mine where one parent divorces the other at the start of a

career as to make it appear the other parent does not want to be part of the

child(ren)’s life.

Along with the creation of this law/initiative, I also request

that another law would require the Appellate Court to censure all judges that

produce judgments “against the weight of evidence in its entirety, at trial”. Currently,

it’s my knowledge the Appellate Court can make changes on their own but can

also order the same judge to re-do the trial without consequence to the Judge.

At whose expense would this be done? Hard evidence is the backbone of our legal

system and even though testimony can be considered evidence, the hard evidence

needs to take precedence. I think it’s safe to say that every person of voting

age in this State of Missouri would think it’s an absolute travesty to the

system when the two don’t match. Isn’t this the whole purpose of our legal

system?

I have also heard rumors that our Judge is retiring soon and

so far this is only speculation but shouldn’t Judges be required to give notice

so their schedules can be slowly exhausted and judgments are still made with

integrity? This is just another thought and something I think should be looked

into.

These new laws would make a proactive shift in the Family

Courts in Missouri and show overall, the parent-child relationship is the main

focus with all divorces. Children are merely along for the ride and they most

certainly shouldn’t have to find out they were used as a pawn throughout it. I

know I’m not alone and on behalf of all loving, divorced parents across our

state who fight tirelessly to spend time with our children, we ask for your

leadership. We need your help to identify and eliminate the abuses occurring

within our State’s Family Court System and help produce a “Fair Parent

Initiative” as the first line of defense for children with divorced parents  in Missouri.

I look forward to discussing this further with you and your

constituents.

Sincerely,